Henry's Blog

I so owned that stone golem

On Friday(the 13th) I was with some friends playing D&D, actually we played until 7am on Saturday....ok ok, to be honest we did not really get started playing until like 3am but that’s not the point....

any way this is the first time I have played D&D3 so I had to roll up a character, and there was some things about the mechanics that I was still learning, but any way my character is a 4'5" 450lbs dwarf 9th level fighter, with black eyes and hair, and 2 micrial(sp?) (quick silver filled) great swords and he uses each one handed (gota love that monkey-grip), oh and his name is Oskar (real original I know, at least it's not gimli...hehehe)

any way here is the story from the point of view of Oskar...with some comments from me....

from the view of Oskar....

"Well I got this message from some old merc buddies of mine.... if there is really such a thing as a buddy in the merc guild...so any way I get this message, and it's requesting that I come to this port city for a job.  The message clams to have good pay and benefits, and it's signed be one of the guys that I worked with a few years back, one of the few that I actually trusted, and that's rare in this profession....

Any way so I get to the city and find the meeting place, as it turns out it's a ship, so I get on the ship and I meet up with the other person they offered a job too, I knew him a little, which is to say I worked with him once, a monk he is, interesting profession for a monk don’t you think, but dam can he hit.  So we meet up with the wizard and the thief, the guys who sent the message, and they tell us that the job is we do for them what we do best, be mercs; the pay is 100 gold a day and they will insure our equipment, how can you beat that. Any way so they fill us in on what is happening around there, basically it’s that they have been “acquiring” stuff left and right, and have gone into the business of what ever they feel like at the time; at this time it is along the lines of killing pirates and freeing slaves…oh and starting fights to blame on others, I’ll get in to that more in a sec.

So they tell us that they that there is this gang in town, the red serpents, that has been praying on the local shipping lanes, and this is bad, yeah this is always “bad” but what do I care…oh yeah that right I’m being paid, got it.  Any way they want our help to kill this gang and blame it on this other gang, a group of ware rats called the sewer rats; real original I know.  The hope is that it will help start a major gang war in town and then the gangs will kill each other off for the most part and then we can go and clean up the rest… after this they tell us that the serpent’s leaders are three fire mages, which explains the red part, yeah that’s great fire balls that’s a nice thing to go up against (player comment: one of the first d&d characters I had, rolled the wrong way when a fire ball came at him and turned into a flame kissed gnome; a crispy critter; a charbroiled underling; yes that means death by fireball…any way back to the story). So on the way out to this inn where the serpents hang out we stop by a magic shop to pick up a fire resistance ring, but no dice.

Any ways we make it to the inn and begin to mingle, one of the things I noticed was the half-orc bouncer in the corner next to a staircase, but I left him alone for the next minuet or two.  One of my comrades noticed that none of patrons were obviously members of the serpents, but that the bouncers had “tan lines” on their hears as though they had been wearing hats or bandanas; red bandanas are one of the symbols of the red serpents; we had a spell that allowed us to whisper and talk to the mage and he passed on information.  So I started listening to what was being said around me, but heard nothing interesting (Natural 20 baby, but still nothing interesting) so I go up to the bar and order an ale, and then walk to the back of the bar, were the orc was at and sat down at the table closest to him an just stared intently at him. About this time the thief said that he is going to try to sneak up the stairs, since we all thought that because the orc was there it must be important; so they asked me if I would be willing to “create a diversion” to which I smiled happily and agreed to do.

By this time I had been staring intently at the half-orc for the better side of 5 minuets, just sipping my ale, so to get his undivided attention I, in a rather loud voice say and in orcish “so which one was the bitch that got raped!” (referring to his parents) To which he replied, “do you want to die tonight?”  I simply looked him in the eye and stated, “You didn’t answer my question bitch!”   Lets just say that this little altercation began to gain some attention as the other bouncers began working their way to my position. 

Now the Monk, in his infinite wisdom felt that, as two of the bouncer passed him, this would be a good time beat the base of their skulls in.  This did not do much but to prompt the half-orc to reach for his club, which got hung up on the ring that held it, idiot.  This inspired me to throw my ale pail at him, the mug went a little wild but he still caught most of it in the face, thus giving me time to reach for my swords.

Apparently the only other bouncer still standing started to head for a door; more then likely to get some more help; so someone shot the guard in the back of the head with two arrows, killing him; I figure it was the Halfling thief since he was suppose to be invisible and had a bow and arrow, but I was not saying anything.  Well up to this point none of the patrons did anything, probably figuring it was just another brawl, but when the bouncer got killed the room started to “rustle” but not as though people were getting up to run but as though people were getting up to fight! That’s when the priestess cast something that made every one else in the room basically freeze and be like all none aggressive like.  So by the time I get turned around the orc has run off and everyone is pointing cross bows and wands at the monk and me, it was like a Mexican-stand off, only we ain’t got no Mexicans (yes I know that’s the wrong analogue for this type of story but it’s still funny and heck). 

So were all just standing there pointing weapons at each other, when the monk said something that one of the wand guys did not like so they shot him with magic missiles, and about that time I began working my way towards the door with the dead bouncer when the same guy yelled at me to get by the monk; so as to avoid starting any thing, I headed that way.  They begin asking “who killed our friend?” to which I replied “well he was shot with an arrow and the only people with arrows are pointing them at us!”  They agreed that that it did not look as though it was us, but when I said “so why not put the crossbows down and we’ll talk about it…” about that time the magic missile guy decided that he did not want to talk about it any more and yelled “SHUT UP!” and shot me…that stung a little.  Then the Priestess cast sleep on the room and I passed out… at least I think is was the Priestess, but at the time I really did not care, I was having a good dream about…wait I’m not going in to that here…but boy was she hot…

Then all of a sudden there was this loud screaming coming from the other side of the door were the bouncer lay bleeding from the head, and twitching a little…this screaming was followed by a loud explosion as the that same door blew apart and in towards the room; lets just say that I woke up in a hurry.  When I looked around the room I noticed that most of the people were already dead, or about to become that way, so I did not bother with them cause I heard that dammed orc running up the stairs, so I took off after him.  As I ‘m running thru this set of stairs and twisting hallways I realize that this is probably a bad plan because this is the orc’s place and he could be waiting around any corner ready to chop my head off…and it’s wired that he has not tried already… so I turn back around and head back in to the fight, about this time I start hearing things explode down stairs as well; apparently the Priestess was following me the entire time. As we are headed back down stairs I hear this loud bell dinging; I contemplate going back upstairs and killing the orc, cause I know it was him, but figure that the bell is a call for help and that a ton of people were going to be coming so it was probably a better idea to head back down and help the party.  I let the mage know to be expecting company down in the pub.

By the time I reach the pub I’m getting a little pissed because I have not got to kill anything yet, but things begin to look up as I see giant werewolf.  Then all of a sudden I notice that the thief has his arm stuck down the wolf’s throat! But the thing is it did not look as though the wolf put it there, it looked as though the thief was trying to gag it with his arm! I give a whole hearty WTF! (and again I know that this is the wrong reference but its what I said, only this is in a cleaner format) Any way the werewolf turns back in to a human and the monk beats the hell out of him. From what I could see it looks as though the wolf was actually the bartender that got me a drink, but that was not really important…other then I’m never getting a drink from that guy again.

About then I begin to hear this thudding noise coming from up the stairs, sort of like earth to earth, or stone to stone.  So I position my self next to the door so that I can hit what ever comes out before it can see me.  A few seconds latter the thudding gets louder, and then it steps thru the door…

(At this time I would like to take a short intermission and thank every one for continuing to read this story and to reminded every one to drink Mountain Dew, the elixir of life…oh but be careful how much you drink because Mt Dew can kill you; check out this website www.linkydinky.com/dewkiller.shtml … now back to our story)

…just then it stepped thru the door, it was big, it was rocky, it was a stone golem (hence the earth to earth sound) and just as it come thru the opening I hit it with my swords three times, almost killing it, well half-way any ways (Actually I did about 86 hit points of damage, but had I done the math right I would have been like 120 points of damage, oh and the golem had about 200 hit points, not that that character would know that…or the player for that matter…).  Unfortunately the golem got off a couple good hits and then the thief tried to shoot it but that did little except make it mad, then I came back and got off one good hit but slipped and dropped my sword on the second blow, and the golem hit me really good, so I stepped back to let someone else get a chance to hurt it.  The monk stepped in with a bow, were did he get the bow? Beats the hell out of me, but I needed the break.   The monk took a whack or two at it to no avail, and the mage said to the monk “get out of there and let the one who can damage it back in.” he was talking about me.  About that time I was feeling a lot better, I figure that the Priestess, or maybe even the mage, healed me but that was unimportant, I have a job to do, and I wanted to get my sword back.  So I come in and grab my sword off the floor and swung at the golem with the other one, and hit him, he swings back and clips me good, but then I just let him have it and he falls to the ground, into a pile of rubble.

Since there was nothing else in the room to kill the mage used some wand and healed every one, and said that we need to find that orc and kill it, there was no argument coming from me on that idea.  So I lead the way back up the stairs, and but we did not find the orc, some of the party searched room to room in the inn part of the place and I believe the thief checked the kitchen, the monk found the bell which was next to a window opening up into an alleyway, I figure that’s were our orc went.  I hung out with the mage and we searched.  Finally we all met back up, down stairs, and we cleaned up the mess of bodies and left some cards, beats the hell out of me why cards, but that’s what the mage said to do.  Then we figured that it was a good idea to get out of there before the authorities show up so the thief puts on one of the red bandannas and tried to go out the front door, but found that it was locked, so he asked the mage to knock on it; of course I’m thinking “KNOCK ON IT THAT THE HELL IS KNOCKING GOING TO DO!!!” but then the mage knocked on the door and it just EXPLODED! Remind me to never let him pat me on the back…any way the thief walks out like some kind of badass and then takes off running, the monk took off out the window he found earlier, the mage the Priestess teleported out with the bodies of some magic users so that we could blame this whole mess on the sewer rats; which left me standing there.  So I took off thru the kitchen and out the back door.  That was were I ran in to my old buddy the orc; so I got ready to kick its ass, then it turns and runs away and jumps the back wall before I could get to far after it, being that he was about twice me size and could run faster then me, that dirty whore…any way I put my swords up, try to send a message to the mage about what just happen but got no response, and headed for the big wooden doors out to the street, I tried to listen for any one on the other side but don’t hear anything, so I open them up and head back to the ship to meet up with every one else and let them know that I found the orc but he got away.

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Well that was the first adventure of Osker the Dwarf,

What will happen next time?
Will he ever get the kill that orc?
Will he ever be able the reach the top shelf?

Stay tuned for the next installment of Short Fucks with Tall Problems And Big Swords!

in relpy... [Reply]

MossMonster:
i'd have to say dense...he's dwarf....don't worry my attention span is about the same, lol

Cedric:
It's only the FIRST adventure that any of my D&D characters have SERIVED....if any of them ever thought of meeting a dragon, it would have eaten them on site!!!!
so no...

Hired Thugs [Reply]

Oskar proved invaluable during this fight. I'll have to admit I prefer doing things the quiet way. But everything had been going too smoothly- I like smoothly but you have to prepare for the inevitable- so we took out an ad for some old friends. They showed up and provided the needed backup. Turns out we owned some fools who thought they were invincible- and in their own home.

[Reply]

yeah umm that was alot to read so i umm didnt read it all got bout as much as MossMonster did oh well sounded like u had fun though!!

Oh Yeah [Reply]

Yeah but have you killed a dragon with one hand. And have a Demon as a pet.

dwarf [Reply]

sorry, I have the attention span of a circus flea, so I didn't get past the first paragraph. But your character is only 4'5" and weight in at 450 lbs.......so is he fat or just really dense?